There were enough requests, so we’re at it again! It’s the Read 'Em and Weep power rankings where I’ve only done my job if the other nine guys are giving me a hard time for these rankings. Shout out from Seattle to each of you excellent dudes. I hope you’ll enjoy these rankings each week I’m able to get them out with my commentary and can’t-possibly-be-wrong predictions.
Week 1 is wonky. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again. NFL teams aren’t quite in-sync (*NSYNC) and most pre-season predictions are held on to for at least a few more weeks. That said, my power rankings will be virtually the same as my Pre-Season Rankings.
But that’s no fun. So for this first week, the week that will set the starting point for which way teams TREND, I have a different sort of power rankings in mind. The top teams are the teams whose owners I believe are the most likely to be married soon without already being married. Everyone else just kind of exists.
So here is your Power Rankings Starting Point from which trends for Week 3 and beyond (with actual Fantasy Opinions) will be based.
Week 2 Power Rankings
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Talent Incubator - @chasenrogers . I’ve heard from my sources that Chasen is to be married within a month’s time. These sources are generally very accurate and from that, I believe that this team is probably in the midst of a hectic and crazy planning season. Straight from the team owner’s mouth, they do not believe they are projected to win any games this year, which makes them a great Dark Horse Candidate for Vegas betting odds. Defy the odds! Resurrect Lamar Miller’s knee! (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Team Jujubes - @awmelman . Rumblings from this team’s camp is that a wedding is imminent. It’s only a matter of time before things get locked in, but my understanding is that there are still some negotiations to be made before we finalize our contract (er- covenant). Still, sources still say odds are good of a fairly fast follow through and we anticipate a fresh chapter starting before the regular season is over. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Hariseldon - @gbhart . We heard big news at the draft this year and anticipation is high for how this team progresses through its season in both fantasy football and relationship…football(?). This team has found success overseas in international markets, a strong business move discovering a previously untapped fanbase in this league’s history. At last report, negotiations are in the early stages, but there is still an excitement throughout the league for future prospects. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Tainted Tates - @Alex . While all parties are loved and appreciated, the fan-favorite here has been the canine addition to the family. Finn has brought himself along with all the abounding energy of a young pup. He has a dedicated following on Instagram as well. The team camps have kept news away from the public’s ear, but you can bet if any news should arrive we will be reporting on it. For the time being, we just embrace Finn and his fam for all the love and energy there. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Santa Barbara Sailors - @jonathan . Now onto the middle tier of teams already married. They’re basically in the same spot. Credit to this team for hosting two consecutive draft parties. I anticipate future Power Rankings spots for this team to be difficult to determine. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Boydz in the Hood - @PaulDawg . Same tier as above. In football news: talk of Daniel Jones and Gardner Minshew being first-ballot hall of famers hasn’t surfaced yet, but things seem to be moving that way. We’ll keep you updated with further news as it comes in. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Lil’Jordan Big’Mack - @ventura . Top of the bottom tier. Big victory this past week in the fantasy football world. It was a great way to prove the haters wrong as this team was towards the bottom of all pre-season rankings. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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All or Nothing - @mikeastock . No rumors have reached my camp about the situation south of Santa Barbara. My professional opinion is that there will be some news in the coming years. The owner has had success with the way they’ve been running their team so far and we don’t expect any major changes in the weeks to come. We’ll keep you updated. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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Not Yet - @ianamunrud . Ian’s of a feather gonna have to stick together on the bottom of these rankings. Just so it’s written here for all of history. This team could have been 20 points above any other team, but instead finished as the lowest scoring team of the week. Brutal. Bad for weekly play. Not too shabby for draft spot. We’ll be monitoring this team to see if some of last week’s bench play was fluky or if there is an outburst of points waiting to happen. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
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TEAM DYNASTY - @IanC . Lol me getting married. We’ll all celebrate big when that day comes, but it ain’t any time soon. Lost as a top-4 team this past week (one D/ST decision away from a win). Some disappointing play from regular starters. We’ll see how things fair in week 2 before we starting jumbling the rankings. (Last Week’s Rank: n/a. Trending n/a)
That’s it for this week! Check back in next week when some actual fantasy analysis is made 